Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Mewster's Cartman Rants Thread

[random name]

:sp-cartmanlaugh: :sp-cartmanlaugh: Holy Shit, this is so amusing.

[Mewster]

OK< stand back! I have my ep review and it may be hazardous to some of you. You can't say I didn't warn you!

Ok, I tried to shut up while Stinknutz’s fans, the Pigf**ers, have their way with their boyfriend this week. I just watched the ep two hours ago and, now that the Valium has kicked in, I’m ready to speak about it. (Yes, you may have seen some of these lines in previous posts already, but I liked them so I’m using them again).

First off, exactly how big of a problem are hippies in Colorado that M&T had to do an ep about it? And why do M&T, through the Mutant Tampon, think it’s a problem? OK, they’re using it as a humor element, but, c’mon.

Now, let’s go back to Fatass. He wobbles around town in an exterminator’s uniform, spraying hippies with a fire extinguisher--and people in town just let him do this?! Why the hell does Liane indulge this mistake by buying him crap? (s)he should’ve drowned this ugly bastard in the toilet the day (s)he found it on his doorstep. Nay, (s)he should pulled his/her dick out of the elephant’s ass (s)he was f*cking nine months earlier.

So, Sh*tstain hates hippies with his usual lack of reason for doing so. And he calls them parasites? Hey, you hippo-shaped hypocrite, you have no business calling ANYONE a parasite, and take your peinshead-shaped hands off that lady’s walls.

Oh, now I see where M&T are coming from. This is another right-wing soapbox ep. Oh, great, now I have to contend with that and the fact that Cottage-Cheese-in-A-Plastic-Bag Ass gets his own ep once again. This time, their target is the so-called liberal college establishment and Ward Churchill. Hey guys, you’re entitled to bitch about a guy who teaches at your alma mater about an op-ep piece that most likely you, and most people who’re complaining, haven’t read. So, if you hate his ideas, even after you do read them (if you bothered, if not, here ya go), then go put your money where your minds are, find a few wealthy backers and go build Reagan University, where only your ideas and philosophy will be taught. I bet the library will have 50 books, tops, and an incinerator for the books with undesirable ideas. Maybe Rush Limbaugh will donate his college papers—-no, wait, he dropped out of college after barely squeaking in, thanks to his rich lawyer daddy, because I suppose hearing other opinions might have actually changed his mind on something. And, yes, I have my asbestos suit on and ready, Hainted and Stan 577, or whatever your number was--bring it on!

That’s it, Barbrady, bounce his blubbery pale ass on the jail cell floor! Put him in a cell with druggies can rape him and give him a disease that makes his genitals gangrenous, boil-covered and painful.

C’mon, Randy and Sharon aren’t enough to have been to Woodstock. That would mean Sharon would’ve been 50 when Stan was born.

Barbrady, the Mayor, Chef, Jimbo…good to see old characters again, too bad it was this ep.

Wait, just how in the hell can he cross his legs? His torso ends below his knees and he barely walks, he waddles. I guess when he lays down, his blubber moves up to his neck and become chins #4-36, thus giving him knee movement.

I figured he’s been lying there, dreaming of being a Roman emperor, lounging around in a toga while his male sex slaves fan him, suck his toes and feed him chunks of sugar-coated lard. Hail Caesar Anus Maximums!

“Ahoh, sure, ah lahke crappin in a toilet with no rim ah it.” The go eat your own sh*t, you ugly skulled skinbag--you expect everyone else to do it.

Yes, the Cartman signature “Neh-neh-neh-neh-nehhhhh-neh” voice has cleared up. He needs to refill his cheek pouches with more peanut butter and BBQ pork sandwiches dipped in caramel sauce and coated with real bacon bits.

Oh, great, the town turns to Tit Chins for help and he plays hardball with them. I would’ve just shot him right there in the cell with nowhere for him to hide his lumpy-trash-bag shaped body.

They’re convinced he was right all along. WHY?! WHY THE HELL DOES THIS SHOW MAKE HEMORRHOIDHEAD RIGHT ALL THE TIME? WHY?!

And they’re begging him to help. So, this is another ep where Buttslop is right once again. .Why won’t the town let him takes a shit in front of the whole town, pis on it, vomit on it, shoot his jizz on top of it, scrape his fat roll cheese on it and watch joyfully as everyone willingly eat it and tell him how delicious it is and they could please have more? And the damn fools will do it, too, pleasurably giving him a rim job to boot! They should skin this fleshfactory alive and keep him conscious so he can scream like the sissy that he is and then use his flesh to make a tarp to cover Rhode Island. That racist sh*t!

Why the hell would ANYONE agree to his asinine terms, knowing his history? Do the characters get a brain clearance after every ep or something? I wish one of them would skip a week of drinking the Kool-Aid @ Tankass’ house and see that Crisco King is an annoying, bigoted Scrotum-cheese-eating sh*tpot who should be in juvie until Trent finds him and guts him out with a broken Coke bottle.

Now I know how the mayor survived a bullet thru her head—NO BRAINS!

He designed a machine? HE???? Stop passing him off as smart! He’s not smart, he’s clever and prison is filled with clever people. That’s where he belongs, being the bitch for everyone and offering chin fucks for a cup of jello.

I saw the “sneeze.” I thought his chins would swell up like a frog's neck sac. Isn’t he ugly enough that they have to contort his face like that. Watching a film about what goes on in a slaughterhouse is more pleasant to watch than looking at his fat-rolled visage anytime! BTW, I know this was based on a movie, so was a sneeze-face part of it?

I thought it funny that he said goodbye to Clyde Frog. Maybe Mahhm will toss him in the washer to take out all of Hambeast’s semen stains. But, then, he prolly sucks on those stains to get to sleep!

Stan’s preachment on hippies being selfish. I got to give it to right-wingers for being good at one thing—-being selfish, greedy, hypocritical, knowing it and embracing it! Oh, yes, I need to hear more right wing rips from M&T—their whole reason to use something as irrelevant as “hippies” in the first place.

I hope Kyle shoves that bulldozer up his ass and remotely scoop out his liver.

Overall, as an ep, it was awful and, so far, this season is a disappointment for me. I hope it puts away the stupid notion that Asschins is the main character of the show.

My FTMA is code RED. It seems that M&T envisions a world where anything above the norm should never be tolerated, except for their potty-mouth show, of course. I’m going to make a picture of Fatass sucking off Sean Hannity, go to Office Max and get a thousand color copies and take them to the firing range. Then I’ll go buy everything Ward Churchill ever wrote!

[Brodie]

Cottage-Cheese in a plastic bag-ass? :sp-cartmanlaugh:

That was quite a post.

[K-mac]

Why is it always :sp-cartmannohat: that comes up with ideas? Don't the other kids make plans too? :packer:

[Mewster]

Why is it always  :sp-cartmannohat: that comes up with ideas?  Don't the other kids make plans too? :packer:

Because the boys are relatively normal and have kid dreams and do kid things. But a sick mind like Asschins can focus on his target and obsess on the details of his plans. This, combined with the town's collective gullibility, gives him the undeserved power to make his elaborate and clever, albeit stupid, plans somehow work.

[Mewster]

And, now, my review of "Wing":


You ugly f*ckwad! You are not a thinker, you're an eater and a crapper, that's it.

I'm tired of the boys falling for this triple-chinned jizzbucket's crappy, stupid ideas, I don't care how funny they are!

WOAH, THAT'S A FIRST. I just saw Piggy actually lift something! I swear, I replayed it three times and it looks like he's actually doing manual labor!

STAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FATASS IS NOT, REPEAT, NOT A GENIUS. He's discarded foreskin come to life in Dr. Mephisto's lab.

Nice fountain. I hope it's full of p*ss so I can drain it down your ugly throat!

Don't do black voices, you racist f*ck, or I'll have a Black Panther stomp on your balls while they're still attached to you!

Good, Kyle, show him how stupid he is!!! Rip off one of his chins and tie it tightly around his bloody neck for that stupid Abe Lincoln sh*t!

So they sold it in the way it only could be sold, with Stinknutz keeping his smelly mouth shut and letting Stan & Kyle do the talking!

Wow, Token's got some pipes.

Good work, agent guy, in handing Blubberf*ck his massive pus-filled ass by stealing his client!

"Ah gunna be ah homeless drug addict frahm naw ahn!" You just figured that out, numb nuts?

Leave it to Asswad to get a call from Col. Sanders, one of his masturbatory fantasies. Does he jack off to Ronald McDonald, too?

"She's gaht a hellava chin ahn her, Ah,ll give her that!" Too bad we can't stretch it up while she wading in a lake and use her for a sailboat, like we can with you, you bulbheaded sh*tbarge!

Go sneak that Asian fountain out by shoving it up your ass, chunkf*ck!

Yeah, that's it, give Piggy a gun he can't hold steadily in his muscle-less, fat-filled hocks! I hope that gun takes off his face and shoots it repeatedly until Zamfir can play a tune with his skull! At lest Kyle knows how to handle a weapon. Go for it, dude!

He doesn't want to give up "his client? The Chunk-chested rodent molester is more evil than the Asian Mafia--gee, what a surprise!!!

About ordering around Token at the end right there, like your sh*t don't stink: I hope Token pulls your uvula through your left nostril and ties it in a knot!

Epwise, I give it a 6/10. Not that funny, but way better than what's bee offered, so far.

My FTMA code is ORANGE, only because he was on the screen less this time around and I had a good break from his blubbery visage. I'm sick of him and this town following his lead like a bunch lemmings! I just wanna kick his face in until his fat head explodes, then I'll jump on his stomach and ass to see if I get the same effect.

[Mewster]

My reaction to the next ep:

Kenny and the Waddling Ass Pile are best freinds?!

I thought Scrotumneck hated Kenny for being "poh" and other insignifciant crap.

And I would think Kenny had better taste!

Either way, it sounds like, that if he's pissed @ Kenny for that reason, then Mel's brown nose crawler needs to get over himself

And why is Lumpy McLardpants in a third pivotal role in a row!?

[Em]

wow! i'll have to stop by this post more often!

you fight the cause! :) ;)

[Mewster]

My long-delayed review of 904:

Asschins puts his clothes on over his PJs? Sick. So he went behind the bed and when he came back out his PJ bottoms became his pants. Either that or he sh*t himself over the excitement.

“Hey, dickhole! What do you think you're doing?” Mark one up for the tall goth.

“There's no saving place, fourthie! Get to the back or we'll beat your face in!” Mark three up for that kid!

That’s it, you dumb asswad, get mad a Kenny for having something he never gets normally. Now, crawl back to the medical waste dump you spawned from, you boneless assbag!

“Eric, I never really liked you. But then, nobody does. You have no ability to feel, and you are going to die alone and miserable. It is only because I feel so sorry for you that I leave you my Sony PSP.” Props to Kenny, until he willed him his PSP.

“Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man? Who the man?” You are not and never will be, you hermaphrodite sloth! If he keeps sloshing his massive heft like that for ten more seconds, he’ll crack the building’s foundation, collapse it and kill them all. I’m surprised he didn’t pull out and stroke his wanker when the lawyer handed him the PSP.

“Ah du hahve leguhl authoritah, yuhr honuh. Yuh see, Ah was Kenny's... BFF.” Butt-f*cking freak? Do these adults realize that he’s short enough to easily kick his nose cartilage into his cranium with very little effort?

So, this necklace crap convinces him? It’s good to see that Colorado taxpayers are willing to let their dollars be spent by their state Supreme Court on wasting valuable money, time and energy to hear, without representation or counterarguments, a case brought on and won single-handedly by a bucket of swill.

Now why the Hell would Kenny still wear that? WHY GIVE THAT RANCID TUB OF FILTH A CHANCE TO WIN…AGAIN?

Kyle: How can they let an eight-year-old decide Kenny's fate?

It’s South Park, where stupidity reigns.

Ariel: Apparently, some blessed child has done our work for us.

No, it was the spawn of Satan.

“Respect ahr authoritih-m.” Respect my foot kicking in that ugly bag of wrinkled skin you call a head!

Stan: You mean, Cartman's side is right?
Kyle: Cartman's side is right, for the wrong reasons.
STOP SAYING CARTMAN’S RIGHT! HE’S NEVER RIGHT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! JESUS!

Overall ep rating is 8/10; it was great seeing Kenny with an ep for once and the battle between good and evil. But my FTMA code is Green; while he was seriously ripped within the first ten minutes, he would finally win when Kenny dies again, after he uses his unfounded ability to fool adults once again to kill off his alleged BFF so he can have his toy. I hope, when Kenny comes back to life, he’ll smack that PSP out of dickhead-shaped hocks, tell him that BFF means “Big Fat Fuck” and proceed to slit his face with a razor until chunks fall off.

[Mewster]

I just realized, I didn't do my Piggy-rant for the week. It deserves one, after all:

So, why was Piggy sitting in Stan’s kitchen with his shirt off? Is he sweaty? YUCK! But they always roast pigs in the kitchen.

Cutting out on chores and eat chicken skin and, when found out, leaves nonchalantly. Ah, another classic moment, courtesy of the Wobbling Testicle.

“Well, Ah saved yuh all th chickin pahrt.” And he bleches, too!

“A'm gunna sit ahn th toilet an reehd comic books.” No, sh*thead, you’re gonna jack off to your Swiss Colony catalog again!

He made Kenny cry! HE MADE KENNY CRY! You really need to have your nipples cut off with pruning shears for that one, you waste of carbon!

The next ten minutes after this were pure bliss:

Stan: I can't believe that fat asshole!
Kyle: You can't believe it?? He does this sh*t all the time!
Stan: Well this time he's gone too far!
Kenny: (Yeah, f*ck him!)
Stan: Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?
Kyle: Hello?? I've been saying this for years!
Stan: Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time!

(not lately!)

Kyle: Yes, but he thrives on that.
Stan: All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him.
Kenny: (F*ck yeah!)
Kyle: That sounds great!

I'm getting that carved in stone!

Really, M&T could’ve had Stan tell his mom about what happened and she could’ve called Liane, who would do nothing; let Stan’s mom find this out; let Stan’s parents get a restraining order keeping Piggy off their property; have Piggy violate it; have the courts send him to juvie until he’s 18, after a drawn-out session of testimony delivery by everyone in town; get his chins sliced by Trent and be forced to buy Romper Stomper’s protection by playing his skin flute and blowhole until he makes a brown noise in his face; beg the warden to get out; become the warden’s bitch and a trusty so he can rat on others; let those others beat him to a massive purple pile of blood, blubber and compounded fractures; send him to the hospital to recover for a year and get him hooked on morphine; have the courts send him to military school; get hazed repeatedly and become the belle of the showers; get drummed out in a sex-for-test-scores-and-Snacky-Cakes scandal; go back to juvie; start taking heroin packed in Twinkies and Ho-Ho’s; have the guards find him literally bouncing off the walls in his cell; send him to rehab; make him do circle jerks to the other patients for Gummi Bears and crack; get bounced out of rehab and give him house arrest; with the ankle restraint bolted thru his hock; have him saw off his hock and hop-waddle out of the house to get to Shakey’s; have the police arrest him and take him to the hospital once again to reattach his hock; come back to house arrest with a series of chips under various locations in his bacon; have him cut slices of bacon out in a vain attempt to find the chips; have the court order him restrained to his bed; have him become part of the family business, since he’s tied up and laying in bed already; have the courts remove the restraints and chips and give him parole; have him wandering the streets every night, sobbing loudly, roaming thru the McDonald’s dumpster, scraping out the melted cheese and licking the special sauce out of the discarded Big Mac boxes until Liane finds him and brings him home; and have his mahhm find his weeks-old bloated and heavily-scarred corpse in a puddle of his own urine and vomit in his bedroom, holding her crack pipe and an empty jumbo bag of off-brand cheese poofs, wearing nothing but a much-too-tight pair of faded, hole-filled Underoos; but I guess I could get behind this plot line.

No surprise here! He prolly breaks a crapper every month. Maybe pouring wet cement into his ass will help.

No, fatass, that’s not your coffin, though it smells just like you. They’d need a forklift.

Go for it, Liane! I hope that’s not anal, or we’d have another Eric.

FOR THE LAST TIME, NO CHIN MEAT ANGLES!!!

Jimmy : Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman? [Kyle catches a football]
Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore. [throws the football back]
Kyle: We're ignoring him.
Token: Ignoring him? How come?
Kyle: Beause he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath!
Token: Oh yeah.
Craig: Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you?
Blond: Yeah.
Kevin: Me too.
Other boys:Yeah, screw him! Yeah.
Clyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option.

YES, NIRVANA!!!!! JOJN THE BANDWAGON!!!!! PUNISH THE PIG!!!!!

That’s it, you ugly skinbag, waddle all over the town wailing like a sissy banshee.

“What is that kid doing?” He’s not a kid, he’s mutant feces.

“I don't know, just ignore him.” YES!!!!!

They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead.” Not true, Bedise the obviously stupid remark, if they knew you were really dead, school would close, they’d be a parade downtown and the town would make commemorative wallets out of your pasty white flesh. You have enough to make wallets for the whole state, anyway.

The Great White Blubber wanders all night, blubbering like the sissy-ass wimp that he is. Maybe some farmer will shoot him, thinking that shaking pile of waddling blubber is a wild boar eating its young!

So, has anyone ever figured out how the blob gets into people homes uninvited?

“Ah'm not gunna tuh Heck, Buttehrs! Ah'm naht black, ahright?!” F*CK YOU, you goddamn chunkyf*cked sack of spoiled cottage cheese!

“This is yuh problem, Buttehrs! Either yuh help me, or Ah will haunt yuh fahr th rest af yuh lihfe!” Prove he’s not dead, Butters. Shove a pool cue through his ears.

God, what an untouching scene, with that gigantic humanoid-shaped shit stain telling his mahhhm how much he loved her. BULLSH*T! What movie did you get those lines, Hambeast?

He had to apologize to the cat? The cat shoulda pulled his hamstrings off his legs with ehr teeth and, once down, p*ss in his face!

“Whut awaits each pehrson ihn heavin is eternehl bliss, divihne rehst, an tehn thousahnd dallahs cahsh.” I present the biggest douche in the universe! Remember, people, this is Cartman! He’s not doing all of this out of a genuine desire to redeem himself, he wants to go to heaven and get his $10k. I hope God pokes him through with a huge stick, cooks his ass on the flames of hell, puts him in a bun, drowns him in mustard and eats him like the sausage he is and wash him down with WHOLE milk!!

Why the hairy scissors? Is something rubbing off of his palms?

What’s the deal with his flabby ass in a recording studio? Barely funny. If something that ugly and smelly came into my studio…well, you know…

“Ah wan mah eternahl bliss! Do yuh think this is funnay, God?!” Yes and so do all of the disciples. I think God and Lucifer are having a beer over this. They finally got something to bring them together. Maybe this will reuntie Heaven and Hell.

Good one, Stinknutz, trash Butter’s room and get him in trouble again!

Butters’ parents screw him up once again. That probe should be for Piggy, but it’s too small and it’s not covered with long, twisted spikes of various shapes. Beside, after 14 hours of that vibrating in Piggy’s ass, someone will have to get out the wet/dry vacuum to suck up the four-inch deep puddle of jism that will result.

Yeah, were I the psychic and I saw that scrotum-cheese-eating sh*tpot sitting there, I’d scream, too.

The murderers stand around and watch Asschins ring bells and toss papers out of file cabinets while he warbles like a wounded antelope. They’re atypical SP adults; which means they’re dumber than rocks. C’mon, follow your SPverse logic: if you understand it, kill it! Do what you do for a living. Butters was more of the hero there, since he got the hostages out and lesser credit goes to Buttstench’s attempt to haunt.

I’m so sorry to see the boys forgive him so easily. I’m even more pissed that they didn’t acknowledge Butter’s role. I giving a broken station wagon for PC to throw at M&T for that one.

“Yuh sonahvahbitch Butters! Yuh told me Ah was a ghost!” So he tells Butters he’s dead, Butters buys it, then when he finds pout he’s been duped, he blames Butter’s stupidity. Typical hypocritical shithead.

FTMA code is AQUA, only because Butters took punishment. I’m so happy that Pig suffered so greatly, except he really didn’t die!

[Mewster]

Erection Day:

NEVER go to Oyster Neck for sex advice. Hey, you rancid tub of filth, your hands, Fluffy and whatever dead hasmster you wrapped in duct-tape dosen't count as "sex with a woman."

So, why does Barbrady sound like he's from Long Island?

Cool! Goth kids have as band!

Jesus, more Butters torture! Enough, already!

Oh, great, Stinknutz doing "Scarface", just what I need! Shoulda pissed on him, Butters! Liane, admit, he's NOTHING to be proud of! And why didn't Stan & Kyle pass out rotten vegetables?

Ok, I give it my FTMA code LIME. It's too much of the sh*tstained mucus wad after last week!

[southparkpike]

Lol, I love it. This shit never gets old.

[Mewster]

My Piggy = Scott Savol art:

http://cartmanmustdie.net/piggy-savol.gif
http://cartmanmustdie.net/piggy-savol2.gif
http://cartmanmustdie.net/piggy-savol3.gif

[Kitten]

Poopstain and Brennan's posts regularly make me laugh out loud on this forum. Now I've found you! ;) Mewster I cracked up at those images. I haven't had a chance to read all of your rants (just did a wquick scan) but so far what I've read is great fun. BTW let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm the big fat inconsiderate asshole of a bitch on this forum.

Also that avatar is killah.

[Apples]

If you like his avatar, you should check out the orginal image:
http://cartmanmustdie.net/bobbietassels.html

If you want to discuss it, theres already a topic on it:
http://craptv.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=1685