Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Predictions For 2006 - The Crappers Almanac, Or - fuckin hell, I'm bored right now...

[Kitten]

This time of year is so boring.

The news is crap, almost nothing interesting happening (aside from the Saddam trial and Bush admitting they didn't have full proof of anything before invading Iraq - duh, we already knew George!), work is very quiet, all the people I deal with are on holiday as they are mostly in colleges, etc, there's nothing but Christmas crap on the telly and stupid Christmas songs on the radio. I'd better get some new books very soon or I'll be posting shite like again and again and again*...

Anyway... guy called Francis Moore published an almanac predicting the weather in 1699. That kinda thing is about as useful as a pair of knickers in a busy brothel but his book and subsequent publications sold in their thousands. How little our appetite for knowledge of the future has changed.

As Moore is about as accurate as the British and US intelligence agencies I may as well have a go too. Please join in people!

Here are my predictions for 2006

1. Brodie and Rachel run off together and form a hugely successful horror film production company. Their dreams of happiness and film success are crushed as several writers emerge to sue them on the basis that they had the same idea before in the shower years ago. One writer successful sues basing his whole case on an idea he thought of while trying to stop himself from cumming too soon while shagging Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton is the key witness.

2. Ron almost drowns in a vat of his own gravy but is dramatically saved at the very last moment by Chuck Norris. They marry the next day in Britain and MTV film the beautiful ceremony complete with Elton John and David Furnish as best man and best man.

3. Having campaigned tirelessly for over 8 years, legislation is passed in the US making it legal to marry anything/one/animal/object that you care to. Triumphant campaigner Bobbi and her giant plastic Kyle doll are married in Disneyland attended by Chip and Dale (both as brides maids) and many other cartoon character dolls. The ceremony doesn't quite go as planned as it descends into an insane debauched orgy that makes ‘Woodland Critter Christmas’ look like suitable viewing for the audience of Nick Jr.

4. In order to avoid any Christian condemnation or further scandal George W Bush marries the horse he once tried to milk according to his lovely wife Laura's hilarious story, hahaha.

5. Bono does something, anything, breathes and Kitten’s head explodes. For a change.


Other random predictions:
Trey doesn’t marry, Trunity announce a film production for shooting possibly in 2007, Matt marries a black Jewess, Cartman beats the hell out of Bono in an SP episode (please, please, please), Brokeback Mountain wins several Oscars, everyone in the audience eats pudding as the winners make their speeches and Kitten becomes very, very rich.


(* BTW Don’t' worry, kids I am buying some new books today!)

[Cannibal Lover]

Kitten will post, on average, 50 times per day, resulting in a total of 18,250 posts in 2006, one of which will be funny, three of which will have substance, 4,825 of which will be about menstruation, 6,764 of which will be deleted, with the rest consisting of the words "truly", "lurve", "deffo", and "eejit". Coincidentally, everyone else will stop posting altogether.

[Kitten]

Kitten will post, on average, 50 times per day, resulting in a total of 18,250 posts in 2006, one of which will be funny, three of which will have substance, 4,825 of which will be about menstruation, 6,764 of which will be deleted, with the rest consisting of the words "truly", "lurve", "deffo", and "eejit". Coincidentally, everyone else will stop posting altogether.

Stop trying to resist me. Give in. You know you want to. I'm good for what ails ya.

Another prediction for 2006 - Cannibal Lover becomes almost human.


P.S. you forgot 'bleedin', 'hairy', 'fecker' amongst others - disappointed, dude.

This post has been edited by Kitten: Dec 21 2005, 09:08 AM

[Cannibal Lover]

P.S.  you forgot 'bleedin', 'hairy', 'fecker' amongst others - disappointed, dude.

Those are the ones about menstruation.

[Kitten]

Clearly.

[Cannibal Lover]

Stop trying to resist me. 

CLICK

[Rachelyrach]

while hanging with jason at seattle cannibal! rachel pitches her movie idea:

a remake of scifi classic "the mole people" but with sexy volcano ecologists instead of archeologists. of course it has to be a musical. with sock puppets. add a few gay people, freaks, australians and a talking pie and it's comedy genius!

jason agrees, suggests it to m-a-t for the first trunity project, and it becomes the first in a long line of pelicula-craptv-trunity vehicles.

brodie tries to get involved with project, but his parents ground him and he spends way too much time in his pirate ship, creating irate websites spreading nasty rumours about all parties involved.

rachel gives up pursuing her phd and moves to la, but gives up when she is unable to find a size 12 dress to cover her 160 pound ass at premiers. she returns to seattle and uses her mad cash to self fund research.

[rongravy]

Here are my predictions for 2006

2. Ron almost drowns in a vat of his own gravy but is dramatically saved at the very last moment by Chuck Norris.  They marry the next day in Britain and MTV film the beautiful ceremony complete with Elton John and David Furnish as best man and best man.

However...
On the Honeymoon night, as intercourse begins, Ronnie is suddenly frozen in time forever. Why...?
Everything CHUCK's penis touches turns to GOLD. He finishes off this "FATALITY" by executing a spinning jump kick and neatly severing the head. Gravy spews out of the neckhole...

P.S.  you forgot 'bleedin', 'hairy', 'fecker' amongst others - disappointed, dude.

Those are the ones about menstruation.

Bleedin hairy fecker...
lurve it!
:sp-cartmanlaugh:

[Kitten]

Stop trying to resist me. 

CLICK

Unclearly.


In 2006, Cannibal Lover breaks out of his hum drum, boring, pedantic, unimaginative, (you get the picture) life and decides to be a human 'being' rather than a human 'doing' (geddit?). Moving to LA with little cash, big dreams and a lot of hope in his heart he is mugged by gay trannie whores as he parks his car near Santa Monica Boulevard. Weeping like Tom Sizemore before a probation judge, a gay trannie takes pity on him and brings CL home to be nursed back to health. Except not quite. CL is tied to a bed for weeks on end reluctantly turning hundreds of tricks but getting a clear 50% cut of all earnings. It's not long before he has thousands of dollars and a plan to escape!

Armed with ‘hello money’ CL gets access to all the big TV execs in town. He pitches his simple drawings and storyboard of a new adult cartoon show (using his bizarre recent life as inspiration). It’s picked up. The pilot is a success and the subsequent episodes are critical and commercial hits.

Almost a year later the cartoon 'Gay Cowboys Pudding Adventures in Hollywood' is a still huge hit and CL becomes a multi-millionaire. The huge amounts of cash come in very handy paying off many, many former clients and CL’s gay trannie former partner…

[Brennan]

When you're in the entertainment business, you have no idea what the next year will hold, but hopefully I'll be well on my way to Hollywood. Hopefully I'll be to at least Illinois by then.